Relationships: Why Do Some People Look For Love In All The Wrong Places?
When it comes to finding or attracting someone to be in a
relationship with, the need is going to be there to meet someone who
will treat one as they want to be treated. And through another behaving
in certain ways, one will end up feeling loved.
However, just because someone is in love, it doesn't mean that their relationship is the same as someone else's. This is surely because love means different things to different people.
But while there will be differences, there is also going to be similarities. And some of these are going to include: being treated with respect; to have another listen to what they have to say and to be interested in what they do say; for them to generally be there when they need emotional or physical support and comfort and to experience trust and honesty.
These are just a few of what could be described as essential elements in a relationship and there are naturally going to be others. One might have a one thing or a few things that they must have, even though it might not be needed by another person.
As we are all different and have different needs and wants, this is to be expected. It is not something that one should feel bad about or try to deny.
Requirements
So when someone has these requirements, as mentioned above, they are not looking for perfection or anything out of the ordinary. And if one is prepared to give what they are looking to receive from another, then they are not looking for anything that they won't give in return.
Whereas if one was looking to receive what they were not prepared to give, then there is going to be an imbalance. And this would not be ideal when it comes to attracting or even maintaining a relationship with someone who does have them.
To have these traits oneself can make it easier for one to attract and to maintain a relationship with another person. That is if their mind and body are in harmony and not in conflict.
Out Of Reach
Even though to be loved in this way is not too much to ask, for some people, it can feel as though they are asking for far too much. And that what they are asking for will never be met by anyone. It then doesn't matter that they live on a planet that has billions of people; as it is always the same story.
The person might look different, but the experience and the outcome, ends up being the same. Their mind can then come to the conclusion that they are different to others and while other people can have a loving relationship, they can't.
Reality
And if ones personal reality is always the same when it comes to the people they attract, then these conclusion and many others, are not much of a surprise. The external experiences and how ones feels and thinks on the inside are going to lead to frustration and pain.
Relationships
So this can include people who are in relationships and people who can never seem to get in one. But regardless of this, there will be similarities that each person can relate to.
When it comes to a relationship, it could be that one attracts and is attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. They are physically there and yet they either, can't or won't offer anything else. It could be that one ends up with someone who is abusive in some way and they definitely can't love one as they want to be loved.
And if one is not in a relationship, but has the desire to be in one, then they could be drawn to people who are unavailable. So perhaps this could be someone who is already in a relationship, travels the world or is not looking for anything at this time in their life.
Emotional Experience
What happens can be different or one could find that they constantly attract the same experience, but their emotional experience is likely to be the same; as are their thoughts and beliefs.
Emotionally one might end up feeling: anger, frustration and even rage. And if they were to go deeper or if these feelings were to subside, they could feel: rejected, abandoned, worthless, powerless and hopeless, amongst others.
Conflict
So on one side one has the desire to be around someone who can actually love them and yet, what keeps showing up is the complete opposite. It is clear that something is out of alignment.
This comes down to what ones ego mind, the brain just above their stomach, has associated as being safe. And what this brain has associated as safe can have nothing to do with what one consciously wants or what is healthy.
Attraction
It is this brain that will define what one attracts and doesn't attract into their life and not what is going on in their head. And these associations are usually formed when one was a child and this means that as an adult, one can have no recollection of what happened during these years.
If they were to get in touch with what took place, it might become clear as to why they are attracted to and attract the same people. While the mind forgets, the body doesn't; the answers to why one attracts what they do into their life are likely to be found in the body and not the mind.
Childhood
So how ones caregivers treated them from when they were a baby and throughout their childhood years, will play a big part in what ones relationships are like with other adults.
And if one continually looks for love in all the wrong places, then it is likely that their caregivers were also unable to love them. Perhaps they were emotionally unavailable or abusive in some and were not able to give them the emotional nurturing that they desperately needed.
Consequences
And this would have had two consequences. On one side will be how it would have made one feel. Here one could have felt: abandoned, rejected, worthless, powerless and hopeless and even that they were going to die.
And on the other side would have been the associations that the ego mind formed around being brought up by someone who was either emotionally unavailable or abusive for instance.
So being emotionally distant from others can then end up being what feels comfortable at a deeper level; as to get close to another could cause one to be abandoned again or even harmed in some way.
Awareness
Years will have gone by and one will look different physically, but they could still feel the same as they did all those years ago. And while it is painful to not attract the right person, there is likely to be more pain if one did attract someone who was loving and available.
Not because a loving person would intentionally harm another, but because of what it would trigger from their past. These feelings will define how one behaves and how they interpret another person's behaviour.
The emotional pain of being abandoned will need to be dealt with, as will the pain of another person getting close. These feelings will be trapped in one's body, and as they are released, ones relationships will change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to get in touch with their feelings and gradually release them.
However, just because someone is in love, it doesn't mean that their relationship is the same as someone else's. This is surely because love means different things to different people.
But while there will be differences, there is also going to be similarities. And some of these are going to include: being treated with respect; to have another listen to what they have to say and to be interested in what they do say; for them to generally be there when they need emotional or physical support and comfort and to experience trust and honesty.
These are just a few of what could be described as essential elements in a relationship and there are naturally going to be others. One might have a one thing or a few things that they must have, even though it might not be needed by another person.
As we are all different and have different needs and wants, this is to be expected. It is not something that one should feel bad about or try to deny.
Requirements
So when someone has these requirements, as mentioned above, they are not looking for perfection or anything out of the ordinary. And if one is prepared to give what they are looking to receive from another, then they are not looking for anything that they won't give in return.
Whereas if one was looking to receive what they were not prepared to give, then there is going to be an imbalance. And this would not be ideal when it comes to attracting or even maintaining a relationship with someone who does have them.
To have these traits oneself can make it easier for one to attract and to maintain a relationship with another person. That is if their mind and body are in harmony and not in conflict.
Out Of Reach
Even though to be loved in this way is not too much to ask, for some people, it can feel as though they are asking for far too much. And that what they are asking for will never be met by anyone. It then doesn't matter that they live on a planet that has billions of people; as it is always the same story.
The person might look different, but the experience and the outcome, ends up being the same. Their mind can then come to the conclusion that they are different to others and while other people can have a loving relationship, they can't.
Reality
And if ones personal reality is always the same when it comes to the people they attract, then these conclusion and many others, are not much of a surprise. The external experiences and how ones feels and thinks on the inside are going to lead to frustration and pain.
Relationships
So this can include people who are in relationships and people who can never seem to get in one. But regardless of this, there will be similarities that each person can relate to.
When it comes to a relationship, it could be that one attracts and is attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. They are physically there and yet they either, can't or won't offer anything else. It could be that one ends up with someone who is abusive in some way and they definitely can't love one as they want to be loved.
And if one is not in a relationship, but has the desire to be in one, then they could be drawn to people who are unavailable. So perhaps this could be someone who is already in a relationship, travels the world or is not looking for anything at this time in their life.
Emotional Experience
What happens can be different or one could find that they constantly attract the same experience, but their emotional experience is likely to be the same; as are their thoughts and beliefs.
Emotionally one might end up feeling: anger, frustration and even rage. And if they were to go deeper or if these feelings were to subside, they could feel: rejected, abandoned, worthless, powerless and hopeless, amongst others.
Conflict
So on one side one has the desire to be around someone who can actually love them and yet, what keeps showing up is the complete opposite. It is clear that something is out of alignment.
This comes down to what ones ego mind, the brain just above their stomach, has associated as being safe. And what this brain has associated as safe can have nothing to do with what one consciously wants or what is healthy.
Attraction
It is this brain that will define what one attracts and doesn't attract into their life and not what is going on in their head. And these associations are usually formed when one was a child and this means that as an adult, one can have no recollection of what happened during these years.
If they were to get in touch with what took place, it might become clear as to why they are attracted to and attract the same people. While the mind forgets, the body doesn't; the answers to why one attracts what they do into their life are likely to be found in the body and not the mind.
Childhood
So how ones caregivers treated them from when they were a baby and throughout their childhood years, will play a big part in what ones relationships are like with other adults.
And if one continually looks for love in all the wrong places, then it is likely that their caregivers were also unable to love them. Perhaps they were emotionally unavailable or abusive in some and were not able to give them the emotional nurturing that they desperately needed.
Consequences
And this would have had two consequences. On one side will be how it would have made one feel. Here one could have felt: abandoned, rejected, worthless, powerless and hopeless and even that they were going to die.
And on the other side would have been the associations that the ego mind formed around being brought up by someone who was either emotionally unavailable or abusive for instance.
So being emotionally distant from others can then end up being what feels comfortable at a deeper level; as to get close to another could cause one to be abandoned again or even harmed in some way.
Awareness
Years will have gone by and one will look different physically, but they could still feel the same as they did all those years ago. And while it is painful to not attract the right person, there is likely to be more pain if one did attract someone who was loving and available.
Not because a loving person would intentionally harm another, but because of what it would trigger from their past. These feelings will define how one behaves and how they interpret another person's behaviour.
The emotional pain of being abandoned will need to be dealt with, as will the pain of another person getting close. These feelings will be trapped in one's body, and as they are released, ones relationships will change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to get in touch with their feelings and gradually release them.
Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails
from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers
all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and
inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting
human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound
advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and
"Communication Made Easy."
To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
Feel free to join the Facebook Group -
https://www.facebook.com/OliverJRCooper
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